Good silence is not avoidance. A technique that helps you avoid the reply you will regret three days later.

Relationships

How to stay quiet when you are furious

Good silence is not avoidance. A technique that helps you avoid the reply you will regret three days later.

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Everyone knows the 'thing I said that I should not have said'. The important point is that staying quiet in the heat of anger is not always right — and if the silence is avoidance, it fixes nothing and comes back the night before you sleep.

The right kind of silence and the wrong kind

The right silence means 'I cannot speak properly right now' — and saying so out loud. Avoidance means going quiet and then letting go, never returning to the subject.
The practical difference is one sentence: 'I am too angry to talk about this properly now; let's talk in an hour.' That sets a boundary and leaves the subject open at the same time.

Three things that genuinely help

Buy time

'I am too angry now, one hour' — you calm down and the relationship survives.

Do not write

A written reply sent at peak anger is the worst form of the same argument.

Come back

Keep the promise about the later hour; returning to the subject matters more than getting it right.

What you can try tomorrow

Make a small agreement with yourself this week: every time you are angry, ten seconds of silence and then one sentence — 'I can't talk about this properly right now.' Nothing more. No explanation, no defence, no apology.
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In short

The goal is not to stop feeling angry — being angry is human. The goal is not to decide what to say and do while you are at your angriest.

«I wrote something once and did not look at it for three days. Then I realised what I wrote in that moment was not really me.»

Niloufar Rostami
Clinical psychologist
Author

Written by Niloufar Rostami

Author

Niloufar Rostami

Topic

Relationships

Reading time

5 min

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Tags

Relationships · Anger · Communication

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