The phrases we think are harmless often make a child's fear larger. Some alternatives, and a short exercise for home.

Children and teenagers

How to talk to your child about their fears

The phrases we think are harmless often make a child's fear larger. Some alternatives, and a short exercise for home.

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When a child says 'I'm scared', most of us answer with reassuring sentences that are well meant but send the wrong message: that the fear is not real, or that they are too big to be afraid.

What makes fear grow

'There is nothing to be afraid of', 'we said you would not be scared', 'why are you making such a big thing of it?' — these teach a child that the fear is indefensible. The result is that instead of talking about it, they hide it.
What helps is two things: naming the fear ('being scared means you have something you care about') and asking rather than instructing ('what went through your mind when that happened?').

Three things that genuinely help

Name it

Naming the fear tells the child it has been seen, not that it is imagined.

Ask, do not instruct

Instead of 'don't be scared', ask 'what were you thinking?' — and get a clearer answer.

Let the fear be there

A child's fear usually settles through play and company, not through forgetting.

What you can try tomorrow

Try a five-minute exercise this week: ask each night 'what worried you today?' and just listen. Give no solutions, no opinions. For a child who is afraid, being heard is itself the treatment.
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How to talk to your child about their fears

The phrases we think are harmless often make a child's fear larger. Some alternatives, and a short exercise for home.

7 October 2026 Niloufar Rostami

In short

A child who learns to put fear into words avoids it less as an adult. Most of the people who come to me with anxiety spent years learning that their words were not wanted.

«Instead of saying there is nothing to be afraid of, I learned to ask what they were afraid of.»

Niloufar Rostami
Clinical psychologist
Author

Written by Niloufar Rostami

Author

Niloufar Rostami

Topic

Children and teenagers

Reading time

6 min

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Tags

Parenting · Children and teenagers · Anxiety

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